Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Happy thanksgiving
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.