[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.