My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
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My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.