Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I鈥檓 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don鈥檛 you.
Me: Silently? No.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk鈥檚 almost dead
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you鈥檙e not fooling anyone, we all know you鈥檝e doing Community Service.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT鈥橲 NOT WORKING, JANET
need a new bf mines broken 馃槓
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
#NoRestForTheWicked
I don鈥檛 care what color they are, if you have two socks, that鈥檚 a pair of socks
We need more people like this.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby鈥檚 head?
Her: well it does now
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Straight people are cancelled