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Life hack
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no