Snapes on a plane.
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The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
first you must answer his riddles
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Dear Lord..
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.