Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.