I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I saw this ending much differently.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”