Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
the three genders
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car