[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’ll be mad as hell!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!