[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
We have a winner.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.