Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
True?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
This was my dad’s browser history.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW