you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The real reason evolution started..😂
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”