Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities