If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
You Might Also Like
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts