My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME