[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
That 👊
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.