Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Challenge accepted.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.