The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
The Joker was right
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
💻🤡
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Hamburger Hinderer.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*