A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.