*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
May have had one breakfast too many
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.