Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister πππ
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Smashing piΓ±atas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Life hack
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of hΜΆoΜΆuΜΆrΜΆsΜΆ marriages
My kid yelled she couldnβt wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
βAll dogs love me. Heβs friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.β
βHey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your taβ
And those were his last words
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
My husband and I donβt keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Iβm starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Donβt ask me if Iβm participating in no nut November, call me when itβs time for Donut December
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.