Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
You Might Also Like
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
getting groceries
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?