*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it