And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.