My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in