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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
need him
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
the three branches of government
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.