“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
New comic up. “Ransom”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct