My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
what the hell pray for carter everyone
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.