How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I love the National Park Service.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
every single time
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon