6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.