There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
#JohnTravolta
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.