I feel like one of these would kill a European
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.