me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Every. Damn. Time.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
oh shit
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.