My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
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My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months