Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume