The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
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I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.