In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.