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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish