Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
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Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Thursday
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…