Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
when dads have a rap battle
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
#dnd #ttrpg
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven