Google reviews are always so mixed..
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
any last words?