My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
my friends when i can’t do basic math
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”