During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
You Might Also Like
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Welcome to the stomach
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.