When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Smells like a challenge to me
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.