[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Donkey Kong sommelier
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.