Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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had to make it
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond