It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Bed should get ready for ME
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Beware of fowl play.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…