Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.