To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.